Am I In Love? The Difference Between Love, Lust & Infatuation

by Janet Ong Zimmerman

Not sure if you're in love? Answer these questions to know for sure.

Fairytales like Cinderella and Snow White romanticize love by showing the main characters living happily ever after. In Hollywood movies like Pretty Woman or How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, we see slight variations of guy meets girl, guy loses girl and guy gets girl back. In most of these movies, they live happily ever after. In fairytales and movies, we're led to believe that happily ever after means that everything is always wonderful between guy and girl.

In real life, here is the more common scenario: Guy meets girl, guy has fun with girl but wants to date others, girl just wants to date guy and tries to keep his attention, and girl may stay too long with a guy who isn't right for her. Or if guy decides that he wants girl, fears and insecurities that surface from both individuals means that things aren't the happily ever after portrayed in fairytales and movies. Placing unrealistic expectations from fairytales and movies onto your own love life when reality is different makes it hard to know if you're in love. If you believe happily-ever-after means everything always flows wonderfully, and when your own relationship ebbs and flows, you may not realize you are actually in love with a wonderful guy. Additionally, having strong feelings for someone can make you think you're in love when you're actually in lust or infatuated. Here's the important distinction between lust and infatuation: 

Lust is a physical emotion and reaction to someone else's physical appearance. It's when you're sexually attracted to a guy and want him only for sex. Lust tends to be short-lived and is more about immediate gratification. If it's just lust, you will have sex in the heat of the moment and only feel physically fulfilled.

Infatuation is an intense feeling. It happens when you are attracted to a guy's appearance or attracted to him sexually. Infatuation happens early on and tends to become obsessive. When you're infatuated, you see him through rose-colored glasses based on who you imagine him to be. You have put him on a pedestal and don't acknowledge him for who he really is — good or bad. You may behave irrationally, become caught up in your feelings of what you think love is and aren't living in reality.

The intensity of feelings that come with lusting after someone or being infatuated may cause you to think you're in love. When the guy you're lusting after or are infatuated with doesn't feel the same way, disappointment and heartache ensue. As a result, these lustful and infatuation experiences that don't work out, will cause you to believe, "Love is hard, painful and uncertain." The reality is love isn't any of these things. If you're experiencing love to be hard, painful and uncertain, and asking, "Am I in love?", you are not in love. 

Lust and infatuation are usually fleeting and short-lived and don't tend to turn into love. When you are in love, you will have intense feelings for a guy, and be attracted and connected to him on the level of mind, body and soul. Here is my perception and experience of love.

Love is a feeling. Feelings are the most common way that people learn about and experience love. When it is truly love, you will feel good about yourself when you're with and without him. As a result, you will also feel good about him. Since you're only human, sometimes you may not feel so good about yourself or him. This doesn't mean it's not love. It just means that things are ebbing, and change and growth are taking place.  

Love is an inside job. We tend to look for love from someone else, not realizing that love is actually within. Love is about loving yourself first so that you are whole and not looking for someone else to complete you. The quality of your love life is a direct reflection on how much (or little) you care for and love yourself. The more you love yourself, the more you attract a guy who will love you just as much.

Love is a way of being. Love is experienced in the present moment.  When you are present, negative thoughts and feelings fall away, making space for gratitude, kindness and loving energy. Being present with your partner lets you see him through fresh eyes and keeps you in love. Being present helps you express yourself more openly, building a deeper connection.

Love is a choice. It's easy to choose love when things are going really well. And when insecurities and fears come up, choosing love is where your greatest growth happens. Love is choosing we over me, unless you're in an abusive relationship. It's being considerate of your partner and making choices for the greater good of your relationship.

Love is built on a strong foundation. Building a strong foundation of love happens by being the best version of you, taking the time to learn about each other, appreciating and accepting each other's qualities, quirks and differences, being there through thick and thin, resolving differences in a respectful manner and letting him be who he is without trying to change him.

20 Questions to Know if You're in Love

Your answers to these questions will reveal if you're in love. Answer "true" or "false" with the first response that comes up. If you're thinking about or rationalizing your answers too much, stop answering these questions. Instead, take some deep breaths and relax.  Then respond from a place of inner calm.

1. I am attracted and connected to my partner physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
2. The thought of my partner makes me happy.
3. I feel happy about myself when I'm with my partner and without him.
4. I am free to be my true self in my relationship.
5. I like who I am in my relationship.
6. I love myself just as much as I love my partner.
7. I feel good about who my partner is. 
8. If my partner were to lose his material possessions, I would still love him and be with him.
9. I appreciate my partner and his quirks.
10. I'm happy for my partner when good things come his way.
11. When difficulties come up for my partner, I'm here to support him.
12. I feel good about the way my partner and I interact and resolve issues.
13. I choose in favor of our relationship; my decisions are for the greater good of our relationship.
14. When I have good or bad news, or a challenging situation, my partner is one of the first people I call.  
15. When we have issues, my initial response is to resolve them, not leave him.
16. When our relationship isn't flowing as smoothly as I'd like, I'm able to be with what is and trust that things are and will be fine.
17. I feel content and fulfilled in my relationship.
18. I know my partner feels the same way about me as I do him (i.e. we both like and love each other).
19. There's no one else I'd rather be with, than my partner.
20. I mostly approach our relationship from a place of love. 

You are mostly likely in love if the majority of your answers are "true". If most of your answers are "false", you are not in love. You are approaching love from fear and under the belief that love is hard. The bottom line is: if you're in love with the right guy, love won't be or feel so hard. You will feel uplifted and loved for your true self. You will know how he feels about you. Your relationship will flow with more ease and when difficulties arise, they will be resolved respectfully.

Original Article: yourtango.com

Unconditional Love: The Key To Lasting Relationships

by Barrie Davenport

“Love… What is love? Love is to love someone for who they are, who they were, and who they will be.” ~Chris Moore

Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt it was the other person’s job to make you happy, to meet all of your needs, to understand you and know what you want without asking?

Or have you been on the other side of this scenario? You were the partner expected to fulfill the other person and manage their happiness.

Either situation is perpetually frustrating. One partner never feels happy and content in the relationship because they are looking to the other person to perform the impossible.

And the other partner feels unappreciated and overwhelmed by the inexhaustible emotional demands and needs of the other.

Sometimes this situation plays out where both partners expect the other to fulfill them and “make” them happy. They are in a perpetual stand-off of neediness and frustration leading to disengagement in the relationship.

Lasting relationships simply cannot be built upon a partnership in which one or both people are seeking a host organism to provide emotional and psychological nourishment.

Lasting relationships require unconditional love.

The term “unconditional love” might imply that one does attempt to meet all of the needs of the other, to read their minds, to accept and overlook all of the partner’s behaviors and actions no matter how selfish or demanding.

But this is not unconditional love. This is co-dependent love. It’s not grounded in a healthy foundation of self-respect and respect for the unique individual sharing the relationship with you.

What is unconditional love?

Unconditional love in a relationship begins with oneself. To set the foundation for a lasting, healthy relationship, you must first have a strong sense of self-esteem and self-confidence. This doesn’t mean you never have emotional difficulties or don’t need support and extra attention at times.

But you do need to feel generally good about yourself, to like yourself, and to recognize the positive qualities you bring to a relationship. It also means you can stand on your own two feet as an individual without requiring a romantic partner to define you or complete you. 

You can be together with someone and still remain fully yourself — as a person you like and respect.

If you need to improve your self-esteem or don’t feel confident in yourself as a capable, valuable person, then your relationship will suffer. Your insecurities will have an impact on your partner and on your mutual happiness. The best thing you can do for your relationship is to learn to love yourself. Offering unconditional love to yourself means you are able to view yourself as lovable and worthy — in spite of any perceived flaws or past mistakes. You can read more aboutself-love in this post.

Within the relationship itself, unconditional love is the ability to love the other person as they are in their essence. If you have fallen in love with this person and want to build a lasting relationship with them, then you must view them as a unique individual — not as an extension of yourself.

When you find someone who loves you as you are, and you are able to love them as they are,  it is an amazing experience. They may be different from you in many ways. They may view the world differently and have habits that you don’t share, but you can embrace these differences because they are part of this unique person you love.

But is love enough to build a lasting relationship? And does unconditional love mean that no matter what your partner does, your feelings don’t change?

The answer is “no” to both.

Unconditional love within the context of a good relationship is a dance in which both partners participate. You begin with the essentials of self-love and mutual love and respect. You see and embrace the core of the other, their innate personality and worldview. You acknowledge the influences of their upbringing, life experiences, and ingrained behaviors.

But . . . unconditional love within the context of a lasting relationship requires lots of wiggle room. As part of self-love, you know your own personal boundaries and the limits of what you find to be acceptable and healthy behaviors and reactions from your beloved.

According to Dr. Jeremy Nicholson, personality psychologist and relationship consultant, it is your job in the relationship to “use your influence in a caring and disciplined manner to create a balanced exchange with your partner. Such skills are not exercised to ‘control’ or ‘manipulate’ for selfish gain, but rather to maintain a mutually-beneficial and satisfying partnership.”

When both partners are aware of their personal boundaries and are committed to communicating them in loving and non-threatening ways, then the relationship can continue to recalibrate and grow ever stronger over the years.

With the ability to communicate openly, negotiate willingly, and compromise and make adjustments, you can build a strong relationship in which unconditional love develops and grows more satisfying over time.

For both partners, unconditional love means putting the health of the relationship above all else. This is a conscious decision made by both people, and it requires . . .

• regular and open communication;
• active and engaged listening skills;
• a willingness to calmly express concerns or hurts;
• a willingness to make behavior adjustments that don’t compromise your boundaries;
• a willingness to communicate boundaries;
• the ability to accept and even embrace personality differences that don’t compromise the health of the relationship;
• a willingness to continue to work on your own self-awareness and self-esteem;
• complete trust that your partner “has your back” and you have theirs;
• the ability to forgive and forget, especially when forgiveness is requested for flaws and failures and there’s a real effort to make change;
• the firm commitment never to withhold love (or sex or money, etc.) to get what you want or need;
• the desire to express your love with small daily actions and words;
• the decision to let go of the “small stuff” that might bug you so you can focus on the best aspects of your partner;
• the willingness to show extra love and have patience with your partner when they go through periods of difficulty, sadness, or disconnection, knowing it’s a short-lived condition;
• loving the other for the joy of loving, without thought for what you will get in return.

Unconditional love is more intricate and complicated than simply loving your partner “no matter what.” Unconditional love requires stepping back and seeing the bigger picture of your partnership and how to maintain the health of the relationship so that love can continue to thrive and grow.

The first step toward loving your partner unconditionally is learning to love yourself unconditionally. It requires understanding and communicating your own boundaries and limits, yet being flexible enough to adapt and compromise when possible.

And most of all, it requires a daily mutual commitment to maintaining the health of the relationship and nurturing the bonds of love that brought you together in the first place.

Original Article: liveboldandbloom.com

Love Tips: How to Fight Fair

How you argue with your partner determines the success of your relationship.  This article offers love tips to really understand how to fight or end a fight without losing your control.  This is something that you need to learn.  Control is actually a primary requirement for fighting fair.  Regardless of how you feel, you cannot be abusive.

Disagreements will happen.  It happens in any relationship.  You will have different opinions and you will likely argue with your partner.  It is important, therefore, that you know how to fight fair.  Here are some great love tips on how to do just that.

First off, if you would like to fight fair, you need to ask your partner if you could engage in a conversation or discussion.  Just like aristocratic Europeans who invite their opponents to a duel, you should ask your partner or your lover if you could bring up a point of conflict.  You could begin by asking, “Can I bring an observation to your attention that I would like your thoughts about?”  If he or she is open to that discussion, then you can proceed in a calm voice.  If he or she is not open to this discussion, then you can ask them when it might be a better time, but don’t let the tension last before you go to sleep.  You need to resolve any conflict between you and your spouse as soon as you can.  Letting it simmer will eventually take the joy and ease out of your relationship.

These love tips will help you resolve conflicts without fighting dirty.  A fight often starts when two people rub each other the wrong way.  A simple observation could offend the more sensitive couple and this could spark a huge fight.  The difference in the couple’s attitudes, priorities and views can trigger a fight.  When faced with this kind of fight, you have two choices:  you could either fight in order to win or you could choose to engage in a conflict resolution discussion.  The latter choice allows you to find common ground which will help you empower yourselves as individuals and strengthen your relationship.  The first choice aims to dominate; the second choice aims to strengthen a partnership.

Love Tip Steps on Fighting Fair

1.  Begin your sentences with “I feel” when talking to your spouse.  Often, people do not see themselves clearly in a conflict; so it is important that you stay calm and you talk about your feelings instead of enumerating all his or her flaws or faults.  Talking about how you feel makes a lot of difference in a conversation.

2.  Consider how your partner feels too.  There is always room for constructive observation and feedback.  You need to look and consider your partner’s point of view and feelings as well and communicate those observations.  You need to find the balance between honoring your point of view and respecting your partner’s views as well.

Don’t be afraid of conflict. Conflict can be increasingly averted in your intimate relationship by understanding where each person is coming from. Your abilities to fight fair can help strengthen your relationship.

More love tips at Love TV.