I Need More... Sexual Intimacy

Today’s question is from L.

My fiancé and I are very much in love.  We love to do everything together.  We do have sexual problems though.  I like to be intimate more often.  He on the other hand, is very laid back and does not initiate sexual intimacy.  He says it’s not me that it’s his age and the medications that he takes such as Effexor and Lamictal.  He’s never made any efforts to change this.  Please help.

Alright L, this happens often.  This happens in many relationships.  You are not alone.  One person would like to have more sexual intimacy and in this case it’s you.  And there’s nothing wrong with a woman being an initiator.  It seems like this is your defined role and I know that you wish that it were different.  You could set a stage for this to occur in your sex life. 

I encourage you schedule in space to explore intimacy together.  Once you’re there, sit with each other and really be in the moment.  You don’t want to project on to that moment what’s going to happen.  How is it going to happen?  Just allow yourself, the space to meet each other.  When you sit and face each other, just allow the moment to become present with your intimacy.  And you can inquire within each of you what this intimacy wants to be now?  Allow what it wants to be in that moment to arise and see if you can both honor each of the insights that is coming to you for that particular moment in time. 

This takes a lot of the pressure off in sexual intimacy where so filled with ideas and images of what it might be like or should be like instead of just taking the moment and say what does this intimacy, what does this sexual exchange want to be right now?  And I feel that it’s going to take a lot of the pressure off of your partner. 

Sometimes we get laid back in and less interested and initiating because we feel that is going to be a lot of work on top of all our daily demands and responsibilities in life.  And we knew or actually present in the moment allowing what this intimacy wants to become and honoring that and initiating that.  Then, those pressures melt away and you can enjoy more at that rich intimacy just what you’re craving in that beautiful sexual exchange.

And also believe that eventhough there are real side-effects to taking certain medications such as lower energy, less sex drive that by stripping away the pressure and being really present at least a couple of times a week to each other and what your intimacy wants to be at that moment, you’ll start to see shift even with the circumstances at hand.

I encourage you in this exploration to check out A Thousand Years of Sexual Wisdom.  It has beautiful rituals for being present and allowing for more fun and more exploration during these moments that you’re designing what your intimacy wants to be.

When Is the Right Time to Sleep With Him?

This week I got several questions about the timing of sleeping with someone.  Should I sleep with him?  Should I not?  When I sleep with him, he doesn’t call me.  These kinds of questions. 

And so, I wanted to get right to the point of addressing when is the right time to sleep with someone. What are you seeking out of this particular relationship?  Do you just want to have a good time?  Is sharing yourself with that person telling them that you love them and you’re ready to commit?  It is very different for men and women.  Women, when you sleep with someone it is like you are mated with that person.  You might think that you disconnect as easily as a man but it’s not the case.  As soon as you share your body with a man, you feel bonded with that person and it might not necessarily be the same for the man.  He may more easily be able to move on and disconnect emotionally.

And so, there’s a three-step process in determining whether this is the time for you to sleep with someone.

1. How well do you know this person?  Is he healthy in the context of his other relationships? 

2. Have you develop a level of trust that you would be safe emotionally and physically in the situation.

3. What does it mean for you?  And what does it mean for the other person to share that sexual encounter?  Does it mean the same?  Because if it means the same, then you’re on the right track.  If it doesn’t mean the same to you, that’s what’s going to cause the pain and the stress and the confusion.  And why isn’t he calling me?  Why isn’t he texting me?  What happened here is that you don’t have the same context and reason for bonding with each other sexually.

So, I encourage you to really take this to heart and I want you to be very clear with yourself before you even get close to sexual encounter, of checking in on all three things.  If you don’t have them, then you know it’s like throwing dice and you may get something great and you may not.  You know you just want a one night stand then be okay with someone not calling you again, someone not texting you again.  You need to be on the same page and that will ultimately give you what you want.

Q&A: How do I overcome a sexual addiction?

Is sex all you think about? Sexual addiction may not be talked about as commonly as other addictions, but can be just as damaging in your life and relationships. Karinna Kittles-Karsten, relationships expert and love educator, offers steps on how to overcome this addiction.

Dear Karinna,

I am having sex with my wife 3-4 times a week, but whenever I see other women I become motivated to have sex with them too. I cannot control this urge. What is the solution to this?

-- S.

 

Dear S.,

I would call this type of behavior sexual addiction. Just like any other addiction to alcohol, food, or gambling, sex can become an addiction with destructive consequences. Here’s what you should know.

 

What is sexual addiction?

Sexual addiction takes root based on a build up of pressurized, personal psychological factors that then are acted-out through addictive behavior. When you are addicted to sex it doesn't matter how much you have it-- you want more. And sometimes the more you have it the more you want it. It is as if you have this great, uncontrollable hunger that doesn't go away and is leading you towards crossing inappropriate boundaries.

 

Take a look at your life

What is happening at work, with your health, and in the relationship dynamics with your wife, family members, and/or co-workers? Any one of these could be contributing to negative self-esteem and a loss of feeling in control-- you may or may not have even acknowledged this to yourself.

 

Take low self-esteem and a loss of control (due to psychological pressure from the current state of affairs in one's life), mixed with the cocktail of having a big sexual ego that makes you feel powerful and in control and you have the breeding ground for sexual addiction.

 

Healthy vs. destructive sexual ego

Take a look at your fundamental beliefs about sex. You may feel pretty good about your sexual abilities. You may also feel that your wife is sexually attracted to you and others of the opposite sex are as well, which makes you feel good about yourself. These are elements of having a healthy sexual ego.

 

But then you see attractive women on the street, at work, or in a restaurant and have the urge to please them. That urge takes over and you can't stop it in your mind and perhaps you may even cross the line and have affairs. This is a sexual ego that has turned destructive.

 

You can overcome it

Healthy Sexuality CD and The Relationship Between Sex and Power CD to help support you in understanding and engaging in a sexually healthy way. If you have crossed the line and had affairs, it is also time to face the truth with your wife.

Karinna Kittles-Karsten is an internationally recognized love educator and keynote speaker on creating high quality LOVE in our personal relationships as well as global connectivity. She is author of the best-selling book, Intimate Wisdom, The Sacred Art of Love, and the creator/host of the popular DVD Sacred Love-Making. For more information visit www.sacredlove.com.

Sex Tips - Ask Karinna When to Sleep Together

This week I received several questions about when is the right timing to sleep with someone. Should I sleep with him, should I not? When I sleep with him he doesn't call me. These kinds of questions. I wanted to get right to the point of when is the right time to sleep with someone.

What are you seeking out of this particular relationship? Do you just want to have a good time? Is sharing yourself with that person telling them you love them and you are ready to commit? It is very different for men and women. Women, when you sleep with someone it is like you are mated with that person. You might think that you disconnect as easily as a man but that is not the case. As soon as you share your body with a man, you feel bonded to that person. It might not necessarily be the same for the man. He may more easily be able to move on and disconnect emotionally.

There is a three step process in determining whether this is the time for you to sleep with someone.

1-how well do you know this person? Is he healthy in the context of his other relationships?

2-Have you developed a level of trust that you would be safe emotionally and physically in this situation?

3-What does it mean for you, and what does it mean for the other person to share that sexual encounter? Does it mean the same, because if it does then you are on the right track. If it doesn't mean the same then that is what is going to cause the pain, stress and confusion--

Why isn't he calling me? Why isn't he texting me?

What happened here? It's that you don't have the same context and reason for bonding with each other sexually.

I encourage you to really take this to heart. I want you to be very clear with yourself before you even get close to a sexual encounter of checking in on all three things. If you don't have them, then you know it's like throwing dice, you may get something great and you may not.

If you want a one night stand, then be okay with someone not calling you, someone not texting you again.

You need to be on the same page and that will ultimately give you what you want.

Sign up for Love School and see your relationship life succeed.

Thank you for the Feedback!

Thank you Niki for your recent feedback....

Intimate Wisdom "Great book that summarizes the Tantric way of love with a format that's so easy and fun. Highly recommend this book and I've read many on the subject. By the way this has changed my whole life from suffering to contentment. Best $ spent on the subject so far!"
Niki La Jolla, California