Today’s question is from L.
My fiancé and I are very much in love. We love to do everything together. We do have sexual problems though. I like to be intimate more often. He on the other hand, is very laid back and does not initiate sexual intimacy. He says it’s not me that it’s his age and the medications that he takes such as Effexor and Lamictal. He’s never made any efforts to change this. Please help.
Alright L, this happens often. This happens in many relationships. You are not alone. One person would like to have more sexual intimacy and in this case it’s you. And there’s nothing wrong with a woman being an initiator. It seems like this is your defined role and I know that you wish that it were different. You could set a stage for this to occur in your sex life.
I encourage you schedule in space to explore intimacy together. Once you’re there, sit with each other and really be in the moment. You don’t want to project on to that moment what’s going to happen. How is it going to happen? Just allow yourself, the space to meet each other. When you sit and face each other, just allow the moment to become present with your intimacy. And you can inquire within each of you what this intimacy wants to be now? Allow what it wants to be in that moment to arise and see if you can both honor each of the insights that is coming to you for that particular moment in time.
This takes a lot of the pressure off in sexual intimacy where so filled with ideas and images of what it might be like or should be like instead of just taking the moment and say what does this intimacy, what does this sexual exchange want to be right now? And I feel that it’s going to take a lot of the pressure off of your partner.
Sometimes we get laid back in and less interested and initiating because we feel that is going to be a lot of work on top of all our daily demands and responsibilities in life. And we knew or actually present in the moment allowing what this intimacy wants to become and honoring that and initiating that. Then, those pressures melt away and you can enjoy more at that rich intimacy just what you’re craving in that beautiful sexual exchange.
And also believe that eventhough there are real side-effects to taking certain medications such as lower energy, less sex drive that by stripping away the pressure and being really present at least a couple of times a week to each other and what your intimacy wants to be at that moment, you’ll start to see shift even with the circumstances at hand.
I encourage you in this exploration to check out A Thousand Years of Sexual Wisdom. It has beautiful rituals for being present and allowing for more fun and more exploration during these moments that you’re designing what your intimacy wants to be.