Saturday, December 06, 2014

Getting Your House in Order for A Healthy Relationship

My boyfriend still lives with his ex-girlfriend.  They bought a house they cannot sell.  A few weeks ago we split up.  He said he didn’t want to end up in the same situation as with his ex.  He also said he wanted to concentrate on his job.  We still see each other a lot.  I don’t understand where I’m at.  I would love to give the relationship a second chance but I don’t know what he wants.  Should I give up hope?          

Let’s break it down here.  You said you have a boyfriend who lives with his ex-girlfriend.  You said you broke up a few weeks ago but you’re still seeing each other a lot.  That is a very complex web that you have woven for yourself and let’s just go over the facts.

This man that you see still has communicated to you that he doesn’t want to end up like with his ex, so he wants to focus on this part of his life right now.  Selling his house and disentangling himself from his ex-girlfriend, and he said he wanted to focus on his job, his career.  These are very good things to do to actually get his house in order to be available for healthy relationship life. 

The problem is, is that you broke up a few weeks ago.  But you’re still seeing each other without any sense of responsibility to a shared relationship.  What is obvious here is that while he is clear, while he has communicated what he needs, you haven’t been forthcoming and clear about what it is that you need for a healthy relationship dynamic now.

And so, I encouraged you to really go inside and see what it is that really is essential to you having a healthy relationship whether it’s with this man or not.  Is it that you have a commitment to the person that you’re with and they have an equal commitment to you?  You have the same goals and objectives for the development of this relationship?  Don’t be afraid to be honest and put yourself out there and say this is what I need and stick to it.

And then set healthy boundaries based on this time in your relationship.  You were not in a committed relationship.  So, what are the healthy boundaries here?  Is it not to see each other because you know, you don’t have any commitment?  And you don’t know what his timing is forever getting there with you.  Or is it that you are just platonic and you go out once a week.  You don’t hang at your house.  You go out once a week.  He is not going to be motivated to create a commitment to you if he is getting all access without any commitment.  So, it’s up to you to set the parameters of what constitutes a healthy relationship dynamic for you.

Relationships can stay in limbo like this for years without any sense of moving forward or real satisfaction for either person.  And I don’t want that to happen to you. 

I encourage you to get your personal house in order.  Your confidence, your self-respect, your healthy boundaries, your honesty and stick to it.  As he is sticking to his guns about being true to his job and selling his house, you have to do the same thing.  Both of you get your houses in order and then see if you have enough to create a healthy relationship foundation for you both to succeed. 

If it’s not with him, your process will lead you to developing a healthy foundation with the right person.

For more help in this regard I recommend the BestSacred Love Experience QuestionnaireThis is available in the shop and it will help you define and get clear about what is healthy for you.  What do you need in relationship and be able to easily communicate that to the person that you’re with or who you are interested in developing a relationship with.

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