Sunday, September 16, 2012

Ask Karinna (Relationship Advice) Flirtatious Secretary



Dear Karinna,

My husband and I work together. One month ago we had a big fight because of his new secretary who is a real flirt. When this girl made a move to flirt with him he responded to her-- even in front of me!  When I confronted them and said what I felt, my husband at first told me that there was nothing wrong with them doing that. I tried to talk to the girl hoping that she would understand me better, but I was wrong-- she just told me that I wasn't professional for not accepting flirting in the work area. And when I informed my husband about what the girl said he stopped talking to her about personal matters. He became formal with her. But the girl is still doing things to get close to him.  I doubt if my husband will not really flirt with her again. How can I trust that he really loves me if he makes me feel this hurt? I really want to do my best to have a very strong relationship. 

-- R.


Dear R.,


This is a painful experience. I feel you did the right thing by communicating first with your husband and then with the secretary about an issue that was disturbing you.

The first reaction you got from your husband was defensiveness. Then from his secretary you received the reaction of, "It's your issue, just deal with it." Then when you went back to your husband he actually made the effort to remedy the situation and stopped engaging on a personal level with his secretary. I consider that a step in the right direction towards acknowledging your feelings and putting your relationship with him first. The secretary's second reaction was to try to move your husband from a formal relationship to a more interpersonal relationship after your communication to her, and that smells of trouble.

Your husband's secretary is communicating loud and clear if you read between the lines. She's communicating that she is disempowered and that she is seeking to be close to your husband who represents power to her (as he's the boss) no matter the cost. And most importantly she is communicating that she doesn't respect you, not your feelings when you spoke to her about the situation and not with her actions as the same issue of her behavior is starting to appear again. This is the bigger issue. To Learn more click here for additional info in my love spa membership.

I believe in a partner's intuition and when you feel something is not okay, it isn't.

I believe you need to stop hurt from happening now and from having this situation become a powder keg. You need to communicate again with your husband-- let him know that the bottom line is that the person whom he is working the closest with, his new secretary, does NOT demonstrate respect for you in her words and actions and that isn’t  okay. It isn't healthy for your relationship and it leaves you unsettled. And even when he has taken the step to do the right thing and be formal you feel it just isn't going to stop this woman from trying and that isn't the right fit for either of you. Since you work together everyone that works with you works with him and vice versa. Each person must be a healthy, cohesive team member who shows mutual respect to both of you and to all other employees and helps make the business stronger. If they don't, they become a liability and not an asset. Let your husband know that you need to be a united front in love and in business. That is the only way each one of these most important endeavors will continue to grow and succeed. It's time for you both to seek a new secretary-- not just for him, but for your company. Hold Strong!
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