When we are hurt or have fear a natural reaction is to guard ourselves. This can offer a sense of safety and control. While taking a step back to process an initial hurtful experience can be a healthy process, what often happens is that once we have processed an initial hurt, we don’t
release our grip. We keep our shield up around our heart and around our body, vowing to not let that hurt happen to us again. Unknowingly, our lingering grip around our fear can perpetuate an unfulfilling intimate life. When we keep a wall up around ourselves, it is difficult to let love into our lives. We also have a harder time experiencing pleasure in our bodies and letting love fully grow in our
When our guard is up, it is also more challenging to be fully present. We can utilize numerous diversions to prevent ourselves from being in the moment. Work, television, children, housework, and exhaustion are some examples. We may only let ourselves be present in intimacy to a point. For instance it may be easy to have sex, but hard to engage in intimacy with our heart. We may feel that our heart can be present in intimacy, but we have trouble sharing ourselves sexually. We may share a part of our heart and a part of our body but there is an ocean of possibility available to us that we haven’t allowed ourselves to connect with.
And as if our walls that shield our hurt haven’t done enough, they also radiate a charge of our specific brand of fear that actually helps us unwittingly magnetize to us the very same fear that we want to prevent. Magnetizing our fear reinforces our need to be fearful and protective and perpetuates the cycle again and again.
While we think that we are safer behind our shields of protection, in actuality they only help us attract more of what we don’t want; less
love, less pleasure, less intimacy and more fear.
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